I have been confronted with ignorance. Last night I was at a gathering of future PCV's. They are supposedly my friends, and they are in the Master's International program, which I am finishing. 

We were playing a drinking game that involved playing rounds of "Never have I" or 5 fingers. Anyway, the comments got sexual in nature. I was doing okay. Sometimes I get really uncomfortable around sexual comments. Anyway, one girl (yes, a girl) said, "I have never.... had sex while being blacked out drunk." Laughter and more comments followed. One guy made a comment about waking up with jizz in your vagina. 

I walked out of the room and into the bathroom, saying loudly, "Not funny, guys. REALLY not funny." I sobbed against the hard plaster wall in the bathroom. I finished my sobbing and washed my face. I left to go home at that point. Another girl walked me home, and told me, "I'm sorry. They really didn't mean anything by it." 

REALLY?? Making jokes about rape is not acceptable, not funny, and not intelligent. The thing is--- I don't think that they realized (at least, not until I walked out) that "having sex while blacked out drunk" is not having sex at all. It is someone raping someone who is blacked out drunk. That would be completely terrifying. I was awake while I survived rape, and it was terrifying. Or it was terrifying afterwards. It was searing pain in the moment, and I think my mind shut down in the moment, so I wasn't terrified in the moment. But I was certainly terrified afterwards.

Making jokes about rape, and laughing at jokes about rape, helps perpetuate rape in our society. I mean, if a man seriously doesn't think that "having sex" with someone else who is blacked out drunk or asleep is not rape, what is to stop that man from raping that person? 

Our society teaches women, "Don't get raped." And we need to stop it. We need to instead teach men, "Don't rape." There is a difference between rape prevention and rape risk reduction (since rape risk elimination DOES NOT EXIST). I didn't know this myself before I survived rape. But I did know that unconsensual "sex" or "sex" while you are sleeping, is rape.

Rape prevention includes educating men not to rape. This includes educating men on what rape is. Yes, "having sex" with a person who is blacked out drunk is rape. DON'T DO IT.

Rape risk reduction includes giving women and men strategies for how to stay the safest possible. This includes avoiding walking alone at night, not getting so drunk you black out with people who are not trustworthy, and taking self defense courses.

Needless to say, these people are not real friends, and they are not people I will continue to choose to be around. They crossed a boundary that I didn't even realize was there, but now I do. I will not be around or tolerate people who make or laugh at jokes about rape. And I encourage everyone, even if you are not a survivor, to make the same choice.